Legend of the Based Stickman
by ChocDx
Summary: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


All heroes journies start somewhere, ours just happened to begin on a gloomy March morning in the year of 2017. At approximately 6 am Kyle Chapman woke up feeling that something was amiss, he pondered to himself for a minute and then

dismissed the feeling entirely. Kyle didn't want anything to pollute his mind since his daughters birthday was coming up, He wanted it to be a good day and nothing would stop him!

Wow... I sure slept for a long time today! *deep exhale and sharp inhale* Holy Fuck! my breath smells like ass, I better hurry the hell up and brush my teeth when I have the chance... But first... I might as well get

a tall glass of orange juice to help enforce the amazing taste of Colgate toothpaste! *Kyle opens door to hallway* I must remove all of the negative thoughts that are clouding my mind... I need purification...

*Kyle lets loose a shriek that would make the demons of hell cower in fear and sprints down the hallway* Damn, I really need to work out some more. *Covered head to toe in sweat, Opens fridge door* FUCK YEAH EVERY MAN NEEDS HIS O-J

*He then pours a 20-ounce glass of orange juice * I need to hurry, I could probably save time by brushing and drinking my O-J at the same time. *Pours orange juice down throat while violently brushing every tooth to the point of

a blood stained mouth* Yummy, the combination of 20 Florida oranges and fresh toothpaste, it never gets old... *while he's spitting out the cocktail of orange and mint his eyes dart around and fixate on a clock* Shit... ITS ALREADY

6:30 WHAT THE HELL? *He then grabs the keys to his 2007 Corolla and sprints butt naked out the front door*

*Kyle sticks keys in the car and twists to the right* *Car engine starts and Kyle backs up through the driveway* He couldn't help but admire his 2 story brick mansion, with intricate carvings on every wooden plank the art really

spoke to him... but he didn't give two shits since he had to haul ass to his ex-wife's house for the party*

*After about 20 minutes into the drive Kyle realized...* FUCK I HAVE NO PANTS! *He then quickly cut through 3 lanes (without using his blinkers) and made a u-turn which almost cost the lives of a soccer mom and her 2 kids*

*He drove straight for 2 miles and then spotted a Goodwill in the distance, since he was naked he couldn't walk through the main entrance so he drove around to the back and put his car in park while diving out his window into a

nearby dumpster* SCORE! These pants might not fit perfectly but its better than walking around flailing my sausage. *Out of the corner of his eye he saw a homeless man getting gang raped by a flock of seagulls, The homeless guy took

off his hoodie and ran for his life* *Kyle then jumped out of the dumpster and swooped by picking up the jacket while the man was being chased by the seagulls* This hoodie smells like low-quality meth but it doesn't matter... better

than showing my man titties. *Now Kyle had a pair of Adidas sweatpants and a ragged hoodie with a Texas flag on the front* *He went to the front of his car and tried to open the door, the door didn't open...* huh? Wheres my keys?

*He then realizes that the keys must have slipped out of his hands while he was putting on the pants* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! I LOST MY KEYS! *At that time the homeless man that was being chased by seagulls came back from around the corner* HEY WADDYU DOIN?! *The homeless man then saw Kyles hoodie and started screaming while shuffling towards him* What the fuck do you want old man? I WANT MY HOODIE BITCH! *The hobo then yanked out a crowbar and chucked it at

Kyles shins* *1 second before the crowbar connected, An intense white light flashed and stunned both of them* *The crowbar then shattered and fell to the floor* WHAT THE HELL? HOW DID YOU DO THAT? *Kyle was completely stunned*

*He looked down to where the crowbar hit and saw a pair of red and black shin guards* *Kyle then started to scream which scared the hobo away* Why the hell are these here? *He inspected the shin guards* Ehh... Whatever *Kyle then

went back to the dumpster that he lost his keys in and started digging.

*30 minutes later and finally found them* ALL RIGHT FINALLY! *He starts the engine and drives off to the party* *While he was driving Kyle got a nervous feeling that something was just not right, he pushed it aside though because today was his happy day* Almost to the house... And as for the gift... I'll just give her a $5 bill and a Sam's Club membership card. *He arrived in the area and parked a block away from the house* *He then walks up to a random white

house and peers through the window* Hell Yeah! The clock in there says I made it just in time! *He straightened up his hair and started walking across the street* I wonder why there are so many vans parked on the curb? There are only

2 dozen or so houses on this street? *Kyle continues to walk down the street, he turns around the corner to find a horde of people in black apparel holding Anti-Trump signs and bike locks* WHAT IN GODS NAME IS GOING ON? *Kyle pushed his way through the crowd and somehow managed to get onto the lawn of his ex's house* Damn... Why the fuck are there so many Anti-Trumps here? *He opened the gate and went through the backyard* what... *Kyle is greeted by the corpses

of his daughter and ex, their heads were smashed in and were covered in blood* *Kyle silently walked towards the bodies* How... *That's when he realized... the dangerous feeling he was getting was actually a warning sign... a warning

against the Anti-Fascists* I'll make them pay *Suddenly another bright light flashed* *Kyle looked down and saw a wooden shield, a gas mask, and a hefty wooden stick* I know what I have to do *He put on the gas mask and with stick in hand

he marched out to the front of the lawn* *He then went to the nearest Anti-Fascist he saw* Do you know why the people in that house were killed? *The man turned around* Those motherfuckers had trump/pence flags on their lawn, so we taught them a lesson. *Kyle bent down and picked up one of the trampled flags* BY THE POWER OF PENCE I COMPEL YOU!

*And at that moment, a legend was born*

*Kyle Chapman took his stick and started to beat everyone he could see... women... children... all the Anti-Fascists shall pay* I AM THE ALT KNIGHT AND I AM HERE TO SLAY YOU!

*The battle went on for hours... the Alt Knight had vanquished every Antifa in the area* *The lawns were littered with bodies and blood filled the streets*

I have finished my duty...

*Our hero then perished from exhaustion*

THE END


End file.
